World Religions Simplified
Back in the 1980’s I acquired a photocopy of a list called “World Religions Simplified” that had been making the rounds—no idea for how long or who started it. There were a dozen or so religions “simplified” starting with “Taoism = Shit happens.” For amusement I have been editing the list and adding more religions (and views that for some are alternatives to religion), and I would like to invite others to join in the fun by adding to or editing the list. With a bit more polish I’m thinking it would make a worthy poster suitable for framing. Imagine, perhaps, stone tablets or a monolith rendered in 3DS Max with The List carved into the surface.
WRS: The List
Since some work better than others, please rank the following on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 = “It doesn’t work at all, delete it” to 5 = “Great, definitely a keeper.”
1 2 3 4 5 Daoism = Shit happens. Confucianism = Confucius say, “Shit happen.” Buddhism = When shit happens, is it really shit? Zen = What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism = This shit happened before. Sikhism = Gurus don’t do shit. Jainism = Renounce all shit. Zoroastrianism = There’s only good shit and bad shit. Judaism = Why does shit always happen to us? Orthodox Judaism = So shit happens already. Islam = If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Islamism = We love doing shit to infidels. Shi’a = If we do shit to Sunnis, it is the will of Allah. Sunni = If we do shit to Shi’as, it is the will of Allah. Nation of Islam = We don’t take no shit from nobody. Bahá'í = Get all your shit together. Christianity = Christ died for your shit. Catholicism = If shit happens, you deserved it. Protestantism = Let shit happen to someone else. Evangelicalism = Shit happens—praise the Lord! Jehovah's Witnesses = The end of shit happening is near. Seventh-day Advent = We don’t do shit on Saturdays. Unification Church = Only happy shit happens. Christian Science = Read about shit happening. Televangelism = Send money and shit won’t happen. Mormonism = Shit happens to Gentiles. Unitarianism = Let’s discuss shit happening. Calvinism = Shit happens to lazy people. Hare Krishna = Holy cow! Shit happens? Tantrism = Screw that shit. Scientology = Engrams happen. New Age = Visualize no shit happening. Deism = God doesn’t give a shit. Pantheism = Shit happens everywhere. Polytheism = Crazy shit, crazy gods. Animisim = Spirits scare the shit out of us. Voodooism = We can make shit happen to you. Rastafarian = Smoke that shit. Pastafarian = No shit—FSM is real! Veganism = Our shit doesn’t stink. Stoicism = I can take that shit. Existentialism = Shit and Nothingness. Humanism = People allow shit to happen. Satanism = We like doing shit. Atheism = I don't believe this shit! Militant Atheist = Religion is the shit that happens. Agnosticism = Maybe shit happens...maybe not. Skepticism = I don’t know shit and neither do you.
Now, for any that fall short of perfection, try your hand at doing better. Suggest a better definition or add a completely new one.
Suggested by others:
Eckankar = Shit only happens on this plane.
Jediism = May the Force of shit happening be with you.
Wicca = Magic happens.
Awesome!
Wicca = Magical shit happens.
Jediism = May the force move my shit.
Hare Krishna = Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Jehovah’s Witnesses = Let us in and we’ll tell you why shit happens.
Gnosticism = Know shit. (Nice one)
Jehovah's Witnesses = Knock, knock, "Shit happens."
Conspiracy Theorism = Shhh... Shits listining!
Scientology = Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Wicca = Shit magically happens.
Revolutionary = We ain't gonna take this shit anymore!
Hacker = I can crack this shit.
Vegetarian = You know you're eating shit, right?
Philosopher = Why does shit happen?
Bushism = Make'm eat their shit, for Great Justice.
Catholicism = Shit happens, but never on Sunday.
Buddhism = We accept you and all your shit.
Jediism= May shit be with you!!
Atheism= So what shit happens to me if there's not any god!!
Quakerism: Let's fix this shit.
Communism = Eat shit and die!
Naziism = We\'re in deep shit, but we\'re in it together!
Dr. Strangeloveism = Someday we\'ll be out of this shit.
Scientology = Shit happens, but how and why?
Amercanism = We make shit happen and Christ dies for it.
Christ died for your sins and shit... It is a sin to shit! Sinners!
Ancient alien theory-ism- shit happens because of aliens
Naziism-shit happends to the jews, for the furher
Obamaism = Let us all eat shit the World over.
Titos= You can believe any shit! Just don't hate me if I don't!
Astrology: Stuff transits Uranus
Another, if only more verbose, way to simplify would be in paragraph form:
Religion (theistic): The belief that there have always been invisible beings and one of them magically created the world. Two people turned into billions and the remaining invisible man threatened all the people with eternal damnation unless they supported His clergy for tirelessly promoting belief in Him. The invisible man wrote books as channeled by various chosen ones. Clergy interpret the holy books, but the people also make their holy book say what they want it to say. But this makes no sense, so WTF?
Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your Lord and Savior, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because of a rib woman who was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… Yeah, makes perfect sense.
Islam: The belief....
Judaism: The belief....
Buddhism: The belief....
and so on. It would hurt my brain to add to this list, so please feel free to give it your best shot. If worthy, I'll add your offering to the list. Religious education is important!
Suggested by others:
all religions are a manmade construct, a projection as a result of mankinds inability to accept its immortality
Internet trollism: The belief I don't care what shit you believe in just allow me to mock it endlessly and have you respond to my asinine comments so that I will have gratification for my existence.
