World Religions Simplified

Back in the 1980’s I acquired a photocopy of a list called “World Religions Simplified” that had been making the rounds—no idea for how long or who started it. There were a dozen or so religions “simplified” starting with “Taoism = Shit happens.” For amusement I have been editing the list and adding more religions (and views that for some are alternatives to religion), and I would like to invite others to join in the fun by adding to or editing the list. With a bit more polish I’m thinking it would make a worthy poster suitable for framing. Imagine, perhaps, stone tablets or a monolith rendered in 3DS Max with The List carved into the surface.

WRS: The List

Since some work better than others, please rank the following on a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 = “It doesn’t work at all, delete it” to 5 = “Great, definitely a keeper.”

1 2 3 4 5  
Daoism = Shit happens.
Confucianism = Confucius say, “Shit happen.”
Buddhism = When shit happens, is it really shit?
Zen = What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism = This shit happened before.
Sikhism = Gurus don’t do shit.
Jainism = Renounce all shit.
Zoroastrianism = There’s only good shit and bad shit.
Judaism = Why does shit always happen to us?
Orthodox Judaism = So shit happens already.
Islam = If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islamism = We love doing shit to infidels.
Shi’a = If we do shit to Sunnis, it is the will of Allah.
Sunni = If we do shit to Shi’as, it is the will of Allah.
Nation of Islam = We don’t take no shit from nobody.
Bahá'í = Get all your shit together.
Christianity = Christ died for your shit.
Catholicism = If shit happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism = Let shit happen to someone else.
Evangelicalism = Shit happens—praise the Lord!
Jehovah's Witnesses = The end of shit happening is near.
Seventh-day Advent = We don’t do shit on Saturdays.
Unification Church = Only happy shit happens.
Christian Science = Read about shit happening.
Televangelism = Send money and shit won’t happen.
Mormonism = Shit happens to Gentiles.
Unitarianism = Let’s discuss shit happening.
Calvinism = Shit happens to lazy people.
Hare Krishna = Holy cow! Shit happens?
Tantrism = Screw that shit.
Scientology = Engrams happen.
New Age = Visualize no shit happening.
Gnosticism = Know shit.
Deism = God doesn’t give a shit.
Pantheism = Shit happens everywhere.
Polytheism = Crazy shit, crazy gods.
Animisim = Spirits scare the shit out of us.
Voodooism = We can make shit happen to you.
Rastafarian = Smoke that shit.
Pastafarian = No shit—FSM is real!
Veganism = Our shit doesn’t stink.
Stoicism = I can take that shit.
Existentialism = Shit and Nothingness.
Humanism = People allow shit to happen.
Transhumanism = We'll tansform humans until shit don't happen.
Satanism = We like doing shit.
Atheism = I don't believe this shit!
Militant Atheist = Religion is the shit that happens.
Agnosticism = Maybe shit happens...maybe not.
Skepticism = I don’t know shit and neither do you.

Now, for any that fall short of perfection, try your hand at doing better. Suggest a better definition or add a completely new one.

Your suggestion here (max 60 characters):

Suggested by others:

Eckankar = Shit only happens on this plane.
Jediism = May the Force of shit happening be with you.
Wicca = Magic happens.
Wicca = Magical shit happens.
Jediism = May the force move my shit.
Hare Krishna = Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Jehovah’s Witnesses = Let us in and we’ll tell you why shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses = Knock, knock, "Shit happens."
Conspiracy Theorism = Shhh... Shits listining!
Scientology = Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Wicca = Shit magically happens.
Revolutionary = We ain't gonna take this shit anymore!
Hacker = I can crack this shit.
Vegetarian = You know you're eating shit, right?
Philosopher = Why does shit happen?
Bushism = Make'm eat their shit, for Great Justice.
Catholicism = Shit happens, but never on Sunday.
Buddhism = We accept you and all your shit.
Jediism = May shit be with you!!
Atheism = So what shit happens to me if there's not any god!!
Quakerism = Let's fix this shit.
Communism = Eat shit and die!
Naziism = We\'re in deep shit, but we\'re in it together!
Dr. Strangeloveism = Someday we'll be out of this shit.
Scientology = Shit happens, but how and why?
Amercanism = We make shit happen and Christ dies for it.
Ancient alien theory-ism = shit happens because of aliens.
Naziism = shit happends to the jews, for the furher.
Obamaism = Let us all eat shit the World over.
Titos = You can believe any shit! Just don't hate me if I don't!
Astrology = Stuff transits Uranus.
Cargo Cult = If we build it, shit will come.
capitalism = shit for sale.
creationism = shit is at conception.
Naturalism-I shit under a tree.
Naturalism- That earth is the shit!!!
Lawyer = For a lot of money, I will clean this shit.
protestant -if shit happens you have to work harder.
Obamanism = You didn't make this shit!
Mafiaism = Let's knock the shit out of those guys.
Minecraftism = Placing blocks of shit.
Cloning = Making more of the same shit.
Schoolism = Let's learn more of that shit.
Martin Luther King = Shit I had a dream.
Facebookism = We 'like' this shit.
Twitterism = Let's 'follow' this shit.
Shakers - to busy shitting to continue.
Facism- we'll take your shit and sell it back to you.
Socialism- we'll take your shit and give it to those less fortunate.
Psychology = if shit heapens it´s your mother´s fault.
Hippie = that´s crazy shit!
Hardcore Atheism = That shit doesn't exist... Deal with it!
Christian Science = Your thoughts shape your shit.
Mormon = our shit is secret...I mean sacred shit.
OBAMANISM = I inherited George W. Bush's Shit.
OBAMACAREISM = Have to pass this Shit, before we find out whats in it.
OBAMANISM#2 = Take rich peoples Shit, leave us with the CHANGE.
CONGRESSISM = Democrat or Republican, both passing Shit we dont need.
WELFAREISM = From the Gheto to the White House, all Government Housing.
WELFAREISM = Ghetos and White House, both Government Housing Shit.
OBAMANISM#3 = Shit is getting better, but we have a long way to go.
OBAMANISM#4 = I cant fix this Shit from the inside.
OBAMANISM#5 = Believe my Shit when I tell you this.
ArnoldSchwarzeneggerism = I'll Be Back, with my Shit.
Archeologyism = We dig up old Shit.
OBAMACAREISM#2 = We passed this Shit, deal with it.
Realism = Shit is Shit.
WaterWorldism = This movie was Shit.
DieHardism = This movie was "The Shit."
McDonald'sism = Our Shit is bad for you, but it tastes great.
ChuckNorrisism = His Shit is so tough, it'll kill you.
Chinaism = We build Shit, you buy our Shit, soon we will own your Shit.
Terrorism = To scare the SHIT out of you.
Americanism = EAT MY SHIT, if you don't like it.
Southernism = Dont care how you did Shit up north.
Northernism = We can kick the Shit out of your southern asses, Again.
Titanicism = George Cameron's Masterpiece of Shit.
LordOfTheRingsism = Epic Shit.
CONGRESSISM#2 = Shit on America, wipping with our Children's future.
Worldism = We are all broke as Shit.
Quantum mechanics=Shit happens and doesn't happen at the same time.
Communism= let's share the shit.
Satanism = I don't care if shit happens to people i don't know.
Ba'hai = Let's get our shit together.
Methodism = We schedule our shits.
Ifa = Try keeping shit from happening and you'll get constipated.
Babtism = You're covered in shit, so clean yourself up.
Lulz = The toilet is clogged with shit anyway, so make it overflow.
Catholicism = The pharasees were full of shit!
Lutheranism = The Pope was full of shit!
Egyptian Traditional = Let's build some shit.
Objectivism = I've got more important shit to do.
Satanism = God ain't such hot shit!
Washani = Our shit ain't white.
Sarcasticism = Like we really need your shit.
Constipation = Why this shit does't come out?
Athiesm = I dont belive in shit if i dont see it.
Orwellianism = war is peace, freedom is slavery, shit is delicious.
Chanel no.5 = Smells like shit.
Eurofilism = Thy Kingdom cum, Thy shit be done....
Baha'i = shit happens progressively.
Scientology = Engrams are shit happening.
Objectivism = Atlas shit.
Navi'ism (from the movie AVATAR) = Shit grows the healing tree.
New Ageism = No shit.
Protestant = If shit happens, it's your own fault.
Shamanism = Let`s rattle all this shit away.
Permaculture = Shit makes the garden grow.
Jehovah's Witnesses = Do that shit and god will kill you.
Jehovah's Witnesses = Can't do Shit.
Murphysm (Murphy’s Law) = Shit Happens :-(
Islam= We must blow this shit up.
Islam= If shit happens, take a hostage.
Science= There is a reason that shit happens.
Recyclaism = eat shit and die.
Ockerism= don't shit me mate.
Plumber = I really hate shit right now.
Buddhism = This shit is an illusion.
Existentialism = Just more pointless shit.
Pagan = It was the earths shit to begin with.
Conservatism = Shit must stay the same.
Atheism = There is insufficient evidence for the existence of shit.
Mormonism = Our shit is so secret, it'll cost you 10% of your shit.
Catholicism = if you do do shit, sit in a box and tell a priest.
Nihilismus = Keine Scheiße,nein.
Facebookianism = Let's post this shit.
Mormonism = Have many shits.
Westbor Baptism = God hates your shit.
Pentecostalism = Shit happens in other tongues.
Polytheism = Shit happens if you shit a god.
Sado-masochism = If you can't take shit, don't dish it out.
Odinism = Grab your Viking helmet and make shit happen.
Wicca = You can make shit happen but shit will happen to you three times.
Satanism = sneppah tihs.
Islam = Shit is natural, so it will happen.
Hinduism = If shit happens, I hope I'm the cow.
Methodism = The conference decides whether or not shit happens.
Greek Orthodox = With enough incense, our shit won't smell.
Swagism = If you don't have swag, you're shit.
Apocalypse now = I love the smell of shit in the morning!
Methodism = Let's vote on this shit
Americanism = Let's watch the new season of shit
Atheism = The belief which is not a belief
Buddhism = I ran over your dogma with my Karma.
Ethics = an English county east of London.
Baha'i = The Most Mighty Shit hath happened!
FSMism = Be touched by the shit of His Noodly Appendage.
Methodism = If shit happens, tell the Bishop to move it.
Weslyanism = If shit happens, you arent entirely sanctified
Methodism #2= No shit allowed! Only bread and Welch red grape juice
Catholic: If shit happens, we'll hold a bingo fundraiser to remove it.
Freemasonry = We create shit as a smokescreen for our secret agenda.
Therapy = Observe, feel, accept and then let go of the shit. Repeat.
Tantra = Accept, integrate and make love with the shit.
Art-therapy = Paint your shit. Release a book or a CD based on shit.
New World Order = We want to enslave humanity in our web of shit 4ever
Sheeple-ism = We are weak as shit, when confronted with shit.
Conspiracy-theorists = We do not believe any of that shit!
Pentecostalism = Dont bring your shit to God: bring God to your shit.
Jedi - Harness that shit and use it.
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage
Puritanism = Shit only happens when you have fun.
STOICISM =This shit is good for me
Islam=Allahu Akbar. Shit. Boom.
Zeoism: Holy shit! What happened?
New Age: What the hell is this shit happening?
New Thought: Visualize no shit happening.
WAN= Shit Happens!, but I Love You
Zeoism: Holy shit! What happened?
Tax frauder: Aint got no shit in Panama.
Abusive parent: I grew up the same shit and it didnt hurt me.
Tetris player: Shit needs to be rectangular.
Santa Claus: I shouldve taken a good shit before trying this chimney.
The French: We adore our dogs shitting everywhere.
The French: We wont clean this shit, we invented perfume.
Pinocchio: Got a splinter in my arse from shitting.
You reading this: Oh shit, where did the time go?
ASATRU: What the hell is this shit happening?
New Age: Holy shit! What happened?
Vajriyana: Holy shit! What happened?
Wicca= Holy shit! What happened?
Wicca: Lets visualize this shit happening!
Nu Aois: Lets destroy this shit!
Nu Aois: What the hell is this [explicit] happening?
Taoist = If you can understand this shit, it aint shit.
Mormonism = Excrement happens! Dont say shit.
Paganism = We dont worship this shit happening!
Heathenism = Whats wrong with this shit?
Neopaganism = We worship the shit that scared off the ancient world.
New Age = Spiritual shit happens even in Paganism.
Heathenism = worship this shit else anger them!
Vajriyana = What do you mean by New Age? No shit!
Vajriyana = What do you mean by New Age? No shit!
Pleiades = I can understand this! No shit!
Prana Yoga = Shit happens when you fart!

Another, if only more verbose, way to simplify would be in paragraph form:

Religion (theistic): The belief that there have always been invisible beings and one of them magically created the world. Two people turned into billions and the remaining invisible man threatened all the people with eternal damnation unless they supported His clergy for tirelessly promoting belief in Him. The invisible man wrote books as channeled by various chosen ones. Clergy interpret the holy books, but the people also make their holy book say what they want it to say. But this makes no sense, so WTF?

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your Lord and Savior, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because of a rib woman who was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… Yeah, makes perfect sense.

Islam: The belief....

Judaism: The belief....

Buddhism: The belief....

and so on. It would hurt my brain to add to this list, so please feel free to give it your best shot. If worthy, I'll add your offering to the list. Religious education is important!

Your suggestion: Work on it, then paste below (max 600 characters):

Suggested by others:

Internet trollism: The belief I don't care what shit you believe in just allow me to mock it endlessly and have you respond to my asinine comments so that I will have gratification for my existence.
Atheism: The belief that there is no god or other higher and/or supernatural powers. Any incidium to the contrary are fakes, misunderstandings or will be explained by science.
Bits of this are clever; some is funny; a lot is stupid. Any internet shit must be taken with a grain of salt until most of those who post develop larger vocabularies and better spelling skills, as well as a sense of reality!
Infidelism: Radical Non-Muslims who think the word 'infidel' is actually used by Muslims. Then, they like to live in Muslim countries and complain about how they are and live.
Apologistism: The belief that Muslims don't use the word 'infidel' because they have a much better word—'kafir'.
Zeoism: The belief that we go through rebirth because of our sins and our escape is rapture.
New Age is a merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism, into which practitioners are called Zealots because of their zeal, hence some overlays. Like the Christians, Zealots believe in One God while like the Buddhists, Zealots believe in rebirth until escape. The paradox is that God is a She Gaia and rebirth is based on sin.
Zeoism is a parody religion of the New Age faith. It was inspired by the Power Rangers franchises
Zeoism is about peace within since Zeo means peace.
Zeoism is a merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism. The Tibetan Book Of The Dead was scribed in Gaelic and the Scriptures written in Tibetan.
Asatru is about the merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism.
New Age: the merger between Celtic Christianity and Tantric Buddhism. We go through rebirth by sin until rapture.
Vajriyana: The belief that we go through rebirth by sin until rapture.
Wicca: The belief in the God within and the Goddess without.
Nu Aois: The religion into which a seraph became God and a forerunner to modern science.
Paganism = The belief in rebirth by the chains of sin in life unless atoned to where the chains fall off and we become spirits free to roam the earth as desired.
Vajriyana = The merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism aka New Age.
Pleiades = The merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism over a thousand years ago by a young girl who bitterly hated childhood marriage.
Pleiades = The merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism over a thousand years ago by a young girl.
Prana Yoga = The merger between Celtic Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism by Shaktymuni. No bull!

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